January 21 2005: Napolean Dynamite

Napolean Dynamite. ok. What The Fuck. Lets make sure you got that. What the fuck was that movie. I mean besides a mind-numbing void what was it. Was it funny? If you ansered yes, well heres a newsflash, you only thought it was funny because watching the movie actually dropped your IQ to that of subhuman. I sincerely did feel like somehow the movie had in fact made me dumber. In fact I KNOW it made me dumber. See your brain is real smart and sometimes tries to compensate when something life altering is happening. You run, your heart speeds up, you breathe faster, all so your brain and body can continue to function. There are tons of examples like this. In the case of Napolean Dynamite, your brain tried to compensate by actually making you stupider (ed. note: This coming from a guy who says "stupider"), so there was some slight chance you might actually find the movie somewhere above the level of pure horseshit. This is also one of those movies where, its bad enough that halfway through, you think sweet fucking god, there is definely something more useful I could be doing than this. Hell I could read the phonebook, do my taxes, or get a root canal. About 3/4 of the way through you're just trying to imagine ways to end the monotony. Then you realize there is a bus stop nearby and if your fast enough you just might be able to hurl yourself in front of a greyhound. If you somehow make it to the end, you move into the pure homicidal serial killer phase. You start thinking about throwing OTHER people in front of the greyhound. Me personally though, I just wanted to throw the director in front of a bus. The guy who played the main character gets to live. Because after the dance sequence at the end. Well any man with balls big enough to do that and still expect to be taken seriously for the rest of his life, deserves to live.